The Joint Ascension

wow. karen. i could not have come up with a more eloquent, touching way to say what you had to say to will. i think your solution to his problem is infinitely better than his... and i hope that he will get over you too. friendships with guys are so strange, and you're right, i wonder if guys and girls can really be close and stay just friends. something must go off in our brains that any sort of intimacy, platonic or romantic should start leading somewhere. i'd like to think it could happen.

I am such an idiot. I folded again. Good God, even though I've learned terrible terrible things about Michael, I can't seem to get rid of my feelings yet, or stop caring about him. wht the hell is wrong with me? I think I'm more inclined to give in to my own desire to feel good again about anything, even temporarily, than to take the time and do it all the right way: slowly, painfully and without him.

so here is the letter i wrote him. poetic and sad, no? i make myself cry....

Dear Will,

I can’t believe I’m writing this.

I guess I wanted to say I’m sorry. I have always known that you liked me, and I tried to avoid it because, well, it’s easier to pretend I don’t know and keep our friendship going so we wouldn’t end up in some awkward situation like this.

I should never have slept with you…does that have any connection with the way you feel? I totally thought that ftf was exactly that, no more…so I never really let myself fall any deeper, somehow making myself believe that as long as it was “just sex” we’d both be the better off. But I got the idea a little later on that it wasn’t just sex to you, so I stopped. Meeting someone else made that a lot easier on me, but not on you, I realize that.

Deep down, I think I’m just a coward, taking the easier way out of difficult situations. But I wonder, is there any other way I could have dealt with this?

I have no idea why I don’t feel the same way about you as you do about me, but I am sure you know you aren’t just any other person in my life.

I can’t find the words to describe our friendship, but I think it is the color of a bright purple sky, who-knows-how-many- sunsets over the ocean
I think it would sound like hundreds of late night conversations, the distant roars of cars on a freeway just close enough to see in the distance, to remind you of civilization, but far enough for you to hear the invisible croaking of frogs in the grass,
I think it would taste like constant comment tea laced with an acid-infused sugar cube,
It would feel like eight years of laughter, warm summer nights, cold winter ones, the best and worst trip you ever had.

I agree that if it’s worse for you to talk to me than not, we shouldn’t talk anymore. I had no idea you were so disturbed by this whole thing. I think I am the last thing that should be on your mind right now.

So, even though we won’t talk for awhile, I’m sure this isn’t the end of our friendship. Find it in yourself to get the hell over this, and call me when you do.

Karen

this just in...

SO, i haven't heard from will lately so i saw him online and immed him, whereupon he informed me that he can no longer talk to me anymore because he has feelings for me.

first of all, it's not MY problem he's been in love with me for so long even though i have made it substantially clear that i don't love him. second, i can't believe he's ending our friendship over this! i feel horrible for having made him pine away for so long (i should never have slept with him to begin with, hehe) but there's nothing to indicate that he wouldn't feel this way even if we never slept together.

anyway, i'm shocked since he is one of my best guy friends and i'm beginning to think that guys and girls can't just be friends.

why are men all about their dicks?????