Friday, August 23, 2002
Err, the most bizarre and fucked up shit that I can think of happened to me the other night. I went to the Mayan with Carrie and her bf. Sasha was spinning and the place was packed like sardines, full of the lovely people that populate the city of angels, sunglasses at night and everything. I sat on the balcony, having just taken a white pill and expecting to fall down the rabbit hole when lo and behold, none other than Eric ushers himself right square in front of me, holding hands with some girl. I couldn't believe my horrible luck and I just stared, squinting at the back of their heads to make sure I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing. I saw him lean over to her neck and softly nuzzle her ear. I saw her coyly back off, smiling demurely and looking into his oceanic blue eyes. Then they tilted their heads and began to kiss. That's when I flipped out and ran to the other side of the room. He was so close I should have kicked him. I should have told him to leave and stop ruining my view, my night, my life for chrissake. But I couldn't, I didn't. All I could do was stare blankly into the crowd and shake my head in disbelief. The worst part is, I set myself up for that one. Everyone told me not to get involved, that he was a seedy guy with seedy motives, but I fell. I think this kind of stuff is healthy once in a while - you can't always be the one who's hurting someone else.
Monday, August 19, 2002
i think whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all, was clearly smoking crack. who believes in love anymore anyway? emanon says: "love is just word for the lack of a better term, a substitute for the word with four letters," and i daily wonder about the veracity of it all.
lately i have been finding myself with a silly grin on my face, sniffing at my wrists (which smell like Escape for men), daydreaming about weekends and pine trees and blue pillows, and trying to pinpoint the exact moment at which i began to fall.....and then some part of me, deep inside, screams "STOP, you idiot!!!" and i relent that alas, i am more of a spineless sap than i ever feared. some part of me tries to explain that perhaps i am merely afraid of being happy, yet past experience tells me that hoping against hope is a very dangerous pastime indeed, and a hole that i will probably end up falling into despite my every fiber of common sense telling me otherwise. and as i proceed into the valley of the shadow of death, here it is, written (well, typed) out, stored electronically for posterity, so that later, i can tell myself, "I TOLD YOU SO."
lately i have been finding myself with a silly grin on my face, sniffing at my wrists (which smell like Escape for men), daydreaming about weekends and pine trees and blue pillows, and trying to pinpoint the exact moment at which i began to fall.....and then some part of me, deep inside, screams "STOP, you idiot!!!" and i relent that alas, i am more of a spineless sap than i ever feared. some part of me tries to explain that perhaps i am merely afraid of being happy, yet past experience tells me that hoping against hope is a very dangerous pastime indeed, and a hole that i will probably end up falling into despite my every fiber of common sense telling me otherwise. and as i proceed into the valley of the shadow of death, here it is, written (well, typed) out, stored electronically for posterity, so that later, i can tell myself, "I TOLD YOU SO."
