Tuesday, July 01, 2003
My god, R is driving me crazy and I don't know what I should do. For the last two days he's been bitching to me about how I don't make him feel special, how I take him for granted, how I can never be reached on my cell phone. I literally can't stand it, like I'll start crying not because he's hurting me or I'm sad particularly, but because all this criticism, it never stops! Just these constant reminders that I'm not cutting it as his future girlfriend. I mean, first of all, we aren't even together so my obligations to him should be just as much as I want them to be. Secondly, I'm not this typical girl who needs to fawn over her man, especially when he's not there to fawn over in the first place but rather 350 miles away.
I wish I could just do something to make him happy, or atleast say something to make him shut up. I don't know what is wrong with me. If I really care about him, shouldn't it be natural to just give him what he wants, i.e. attention, security, love even perhaps? Shouldn't I listen to what he says and take it to heart, instead of tuning out and categorizing everything else he says as revolting drivel? It all started when we began to fight over the phone. I'm so tired of fighting with him. I hate to hurt him, but I also hate it that he just can't accept me as I am.
He asks me all the time, what makes me different than any other of your friends? and I can't answer. My mind goes blank, the cliched answers like "bc you're special" or "bc I care about you" don't work because there's no meaning to those words, they are just words, and he knows it. Shouldn't he just know? He should know i wouldn't put up with this kind of shit from somebody unless I cared about how they felt. I mean, he's the guy I can potentially see a future with. He's the person I talk to right before I go to bed. he's the person I plan all major holidays with. He's the light at the end of this fucked up tunnel that is generally coined "long distance relationship." And these are the only reasons that I can come up with to convince myself besides. I'm constantly required to defend myself, and make a speech on why I am qualified to be part of this relationship.
If I really care about someone, does that mean that I must treat that person a certain way, i.e. his way? And if I don't treat him that way, does that mean that deep down, I really don't care? I do care, but it doesn't occur to me how devastating it is to him when I don't call, or I can't be reached on the phone. It doesn't occur to me that I can't justify my actions with an excuse any better than, "That's just who I am."
Is this a lost cause?
I wish I could just do something to make him happy, or atleast say something to make him shut up. I don't know what is wrong with me. If I really care about him, shouldn't it be natural to just give him what he wants, i.e. attention, security, love even perhaps? Shouldn't I listen to what he says and take it to heart, instead of tuning out and categorizing everything else he says as revolting drivel? It all started when we began to fight over the phone. I'm so tired of fighting with him. I hate to hurt him, but I also hate it that he just can't accept me as I am.
He asks me all the time, what makes me different than any other of your friends? and I can't answer. My mind goes blank, the cliched answers like "bc you're special" or "bc I care about you" don't work because there's no meaning to those words, they are just words, and he knows it. Shouldn't he just know? He should know i wouldn't put up with this kind of shit from somebody unless I cared about how they felt. I mean, he's the guy I can potentially see a future with. He's the person I talk to right before I go to bed. he's the person I plan all major holidays with. He's the light at the end of this fucked up tunnel that is generally coined "long distance relationship." And these are the only reasons that I can come up with to convince myself besides. I'm constantly required to defend myself, and make a speech on why I am qualified to be part of this relationship.
If I really care about someone, does that mean that I must treat that person a certain way, i.e. his way? And if I don't treat him that way, does that mean that deep down, I really don't care? I do care, but it doesn't occur to me how devastating it is to him when I don't call, or I can't be reached on the phone. It doesn't occur to me that I can't justify my actions with an excuse any better than, "That's just who I am."
Is this a lost cause?
