The Joint Ascension

i don't really know how to talk about this anymore. it's all repeating and I don't know quite where I'm going or what im going to do when i get there. All I know is... that it hurts still. It hurts like the first day it happened.

I wrote this awhile ago when pining over lloyd, in a place where i think you are nowadays....

Wish You Were Here
I once threw out a half-whispered wish,
Flung it out into the depths of an abyss
It floated for awhile, on gossamer wings,
Borne up by hope and sunshiny things

And as i watched, there came a silver cloud
-it looked so very innocent at first-
That wrapped around the wings, a silver shroud
And then the veil caused those frail wings to burst

And as I watched my wish plummet down
I noticed that there were other wishes too
Made by others, falling, not my own
More than one made me think of you

And wonder whether somewhere in the somnolent dark,
The pieces of our splintered wishes met--
Before your dream, and my half-muttered soliloquy,
Shattered on the rocks of reality.

Thanks Karen. I know its not my fault, that these things just happen. But I can't help but think that I could have done something to change what happened. That there's something about me that he saw and decided he did not want to be a part of his life. Maybe I was too needy, maybe I wanted too much.

I drove home today in absolute tears. I can't stop crying over this loss, it's like a part of me is gone. I still love him so much. Nothing has changed, the onluy thing I want every day is to go home to him. It hurts so much but the worst part is that he doesn't care.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to let go. Im making such an ass of myself but I can't let go and deep down I don't even know if I want to. I can't believe after all of this I still cling to those shards of hope as if they're enough to produce a whole thing.